I know I need help and that I should consult a psychologist but I guess I am too proud… Or I’d like to think I am.
In fact, I’m scared to death about the consequences of anyone finding out about my hidden lifestyle and the darkest secrets I have…
Instead of consulting I will write my story as a diary that will be opened to anyone. Of course I’ll try to keep my identity a secret. This blog will be my therapy.
At this point, you’re maybe wondering why I’m being so bold by putting my diary out on the internet.
“Is it a true story?” “What’s the catch?”
Well, to be completely honest, my jump in the unknown is due to events that took place in the last 3 weeks where I’ve reached the summit of idiocy.
2015 was the year where my life was back on track after several years of wandering. A job for life, loads of efforts to save money the last 12 months and the most important – no stupid mistakes.
But toward the end of August, everything fell apart… Everything is my own fault and I do deserve it. Anyway, one thing led to another and I lost around 5.000€ in 2 weeks on football bets.
This really do sums up my whole life.
Here you go, you have the 2 reasons why I start this blog. I have to get rid of those nasty habits once and for all. I already started by self-excluding myself from all the betting websites possible, first step achieved.
So here I am, where do I start?
I am 30, shy guy when sober, a civil servant, got a girlfriend and about to buy a house (if I still can). Only clichés missing are the k**s and the dog…
On the outside, I’m just another average Joe but on the inside I’m far from normal.
What are those addictions you wonder?
Let’s just say it’s a mix of everything.
Ten years ago and until last year, I used to go out for a drink with my mates 2 or 3 times a week and ended up completely d***k. Boys will be boys you will think… That’s not really my addiction, every young person would be addicted. The real mess comes once I’m d***k.
After a few hours of drinking, I start to get urges. I don’t even really fancy it now but it’s getting automatic, I want to visit a prostitute. Be done in 15-20 minutes, no questions asked and go back to drinking or to bed. Living in the north of Brussels gives me a direct access to the forbidden apple.
When I’m out with friends, I isolate myself on purpose to the point they can’t see me and I can easily escape to my little adventure.
I couldn’t say what really attracts me to prostitution. Easy sex? Discovering new girls and experiencing different senses? Controlling everything and being in charge? Perhaps. I’ll try to find an answer in the coming weeks.
Recently, I’ve been able to escape those urges but it’s such a struggle. It is stupid to say it like this but I’m quite proud the morning after a night out when I’ve done nothing wrong.
In the next few weeks, I’ll be an open book and I will try to find out how I reached this low point.
I’ll try to dissect my life the best I can, from my c***dhood up to now. Along the lines I will tell my different experiences with alcohol, d**gs, prostitutes, homosexuality, threesomes, orgies. I’ve done the whole lot.
As I said earlier I want to find out the origin of my messed up mind but at the same time I want to confess and be on my way to Redemption which I mostly have been in the last year except for not even a couple of relapses. That’s why I’m so angry at myself for losing those 5.000€.
I don’t live with the consequences of that money loss yet but I will soon as I will need the money in a few weeks’ time to pay several fees for a mortgage.
This is where my first post ends!
Not really exciting so far but I did have to put a context to my story.
What do I expect from you?
Nothing and everything.
If you find my story interesting and read it until the final “chapter” I’ll already be happy.
But if you have a bit of compassion for me, I’ll gladly accept a donation.
I realise I’m not the most desperate man on Earth, that loads of other persons have a much rougher life than mine.
I also know that most fundraising campaigns are for persons in real need or with a deadly disease or for endangered a****l species or refugees from Syria, etc. I’m none of those but I messed up big time and I really am desperate.
I don’t get my hopes up but I do speak the truth. Everything that you read and will read really happened to me.
As Internet can be a crazy place sometimes, I just cross my fingers that this will be the case for me.
So if you want, you can pop on my GoFundMe page and contribute to my “f****d it all up” fund, I would be most grateful. https://www.gofundme.com/pe4djgpw
Yes, I am ashamed but I don’t really have a lot to lost now…
As it is quite difficult for me to write all of this, I’ll probably write the next “story” in the course of next week.
The next parts will be uploaded on to http://scratchingthesurface-blog.tumblr.com/