I was awake at least an hour before I dragged myself out of bed. It took a great deal of willpower to do so. My body ached and my mind was thick and cumbersome. I had stared at the ceiling trying to weigh my thoughts, found no anchor to the way my fears and doubts colored everything. I had to have been losing my mind, I was sure. I even called out to Jackie several times, hoping to hear her voice in my head, even if it was only my brain playing tricks on me. There was no response, and I finally gave up.
To say I was unbalanced that Sunday morning would have been an understatement. My sanity in doubt, I didn’t even realize I’d gone downstairs and into the kitchen until Kira’s face was looking at mine with concern. “Mom?”
“What?” I said evenly, suddenly leaning against the counter.
“What?” I repeated, not understanding her point.
“You’re naked … like, no clothes…”
“Oh.” It meant nothing a moment. Kira rushed off and out of sight, and I stared out the kitchen window to where the fenced-in yard in the back of my house showed the day was well past dawn. I felt soft cloth slide over my shoulders and looked behind me. Kira had brought my robe and I raised my arms to let her put it on. She wrapped it and tied it off, covering my nakedness.
“Mom … I’m really worried about you. I think I should call an ambulance.”
“No, no … I’m … Nightmares again.” I was very slowly getting my brain to work, felt ashamed a moment that I’d come downstairs without clothing. I could feel where juices from my vagina had dried on my inner thighs, and felt a rush of pleasure and loss to remember the delusion which had brought on those moments in the night. “I just need some coffee. And a shower.”
I kissed Kira’s forehead and she hugged me.
“I’m okay, Kira. Really. I know this looks … weird, but I’m okay.” I managed a weak smile. “You doing okay?”
She looked at me quietly a moment, then shrugged, “yeah, I’m … okay … just worried about you. You’ve been acting … strange.”
“I know. I think,” I said, suddenly remembering the moment I found my panties in Dexter’s room and the conversations I’d had with Kira about their games, “maybe I’m just trying to deal with everything, you know? I’m not mad at you or your b*****r, just … need some time, I think. I’ll be okay, just don’t want you to worry, alright? Maybe we’ll go collect him and go out for pizza later. How’s that sound?”
Kira looked happier, smiling, “yeah, that would be cool. What time?”
“Say … Two? I want to shower and do my hair. It’s getting pretty ratty.”
Kira looked up to the top of my head and ran a hand through my tousled auburn strands. “I can help. Would you do mine, too? I want to braid it.”
“Of course, I’d love that. Call your b*****r, tell him we’ll be by in a couple of hours to pick him up.”
“Okay, I will … you sure you’re ok, Mom?”
“Yes,” I lied, “Just need a shower.”
“And coffee,” Kira said, “I’ll get some ready for you.”
What confusion I’d felt that morning had washed out of me in the shower. Even as I’d lathered soap between my legs and through my butt crack, it was as if another set of hands was gently massaging my wet skin, soothing my worries. I couldn’t help but think that my hallucinations of Jackie were leading me to seek out imaginary touches like those I shared with her as a young teen.
I picked up my son, and he completely avoided my eyes. I managed to push down my own anger and shame and made small talk with my c***dren as we drove to the pizza place downtown. Dexter said little about his stay with his friend Donnie, commenting only that they’d played Xbox and swam in the boy’s pool.
Kira was quiet, and Dex not much more talkative. I kept up a calm conversation about school as we ate.
It was after a long silence that Kira said quietly, “Mom … who’s Jacqueline?”
I nearly choked. “What?” I blurted out.
“Jacqueline? Who is she?”
“Wh-why?” My stomach turned over. I’d never discussed my s****r because, until I started hearing her voice, I’d repressed my memories of her. I guess I had hidden them away, lost them, after what happened to her. I nearly burst into tears at just the hint that I might remember those horrible days.
Kira said, “because I found this…” She reached into her small, black purse and pulled out a folded piece of old note paper. My daughter handed it to me, her eyes watching solemnly.
I opened the letter and started reading.
I know you really like this boy, and I’m happy for you. You know what we share is something special, something I hope we’ll continue to share. But I understand you deserve to be yourself and that doesn’t mean with me right now. I love you always, and whenever you need to talk, I’ll listen.
I stared as the words burned into my buried memories. It brought back the day I’d told my s****r that I thought I was in love with a boy.
By the time I turned sixteen and started my junior year of high school, I was a different girl than I’d been a couple of years earlier. I was more confident, had a few friends, and was starting to find myself more comfortable talking to boys.
My s****r had gone away to college, and I’d lost her guidance and love just at the time when I was able to be myself and fit in, finally. It had been hard, for a few weeks, but my growing appreciation for my own body, thanks to the way my s****r had built me up, helped me feel capable of making friends and experimenting with relationships.
I wrote Jacqueline a letter that Fall, letting her know about Niles, the boy I liked, thanking her for being a great s****r, and asking her if she thought I should try to date my crush. She wrote back:
I love knowing you are sweet on Niles. He always seemed like a nice boy. You should definitely talk to him, maybe you’ll even let him take your cherry :). Just have fun, okay?
I think we should talk about us. This changes things. Also, I’ve been seeing a guy. Nothing too serious! Just talking. I don’t want you to be mad at me, okay? I miss you terribly, and I hope to see you over Thanksgiving break.
Love you always,
I was a little jealous, honestly, probably the first time I’d ever felt that in a romantic sense. The two years or so my s****r and I played our games, she’d not dated anyone, and I was mostly too shy on my own. But the jealousy faded quickly, especially when I read, over and over, that she was coming home for Thanksgiving break.
I wrote back, letting her know that it was okay to see a guy and I thanked her for letting me talk to Niles. I told her that I was really looking forward to seeing her.
I also wrote that I knew that it changed things, and if I was going to see Niles, I wanted to be faithful to him. As much as I longed to feel Jackie’s touch again, I had a buzzing excitement to think that Niles and I might make out. I’d already let him see my boobs, once, at a party, but it was just something we laughed off at the time, nothing overtly sexual. But he’d talked to me more and more, and I was becoming fiercely attracted to him.
While I awaited my s****r’s response, Niles asked me out and we had a couple of chaperoned dates before I got Jackie’s last letter.
“Where did you find this?” I breathed. I felt butterflies and knots fighting in my stomach.
Kira replied, “in the attic, in that box with old pictures.” She nodded towards the letter. “Was she your girlfriend?”
I swallowed hard and told a small, white lie by omitting the full truth. “Yes. In high school.”
“You dated a girl?” Dexter said with an odd look on his face. “I never knew that.”
“I did … just her, though.”
“What happened to her?”
I swallowed again, blocking those details from my mind. “We lost touch,” I lied again, even as I forbid myself to dredge back up the truth.
“Oh,” Kira said. “I just wondered…”
“Don’t really want to talk about her … sorry…” I said sadly. “Not right now.”
All night, I tried to stay awake, for the first time trying to will myself to bring on the hallucinations of my s****r. No matter what I tried, she never spoke to me. I awoke the next day to the alarm clock buzzing. I had to work in ninety minutes, so I did my best to focus on getting dressed and seeing the k**s off to school.
I knew I still needed to talk to Dexter and Kira about their games, and about my son taking my panties. But I was at a loss as to what to say. My anger had largely washed away since the sad moments thinking about my s****r at the pizza joint.
Crazy or not, I was beginning to piece together something that had alluded me, something I’d buried for many years, something bringing my current concerns into a more complicated context.
What had happened between my son and my daughter was not even as intimate and i****tuous as what my s****r and I did together. As far as I knew, Kira and Dex were only trading panties and fluids indirectly. My s****r and I … we shared our bodies regularly.
I lay in bed that night after work, exhausted.
Do you worry, Penelope?
“Worry?” I said, a rush of excitement to sense my s****r’s presence again.
About the k**s. Do you worry they’ll suffer for what they do?
“I—I don’t know what you mean…”
You blamed yourself, Penelope, before you forgot me. It wasn’t your fault.
I felt dread, the pain of what happened trying to escape from its prison.
I don’t want you to think about that right now … please … remember the good times instead…
For a few weeks after the moments we shared at the lake house, my s****r and I spent nights together often, touching each other in sensitive places, kissing, feeling really good in moments s****rs were not supposed to share. I knew that, of course, but I wasn’t willing to let that stop what Jackie and I did. I loved her touch, and she loved mine.
At first, we only used our fingers, but Jackie soon showed me a new game.
“You are so wet, Penelope,” my s****r purred as she leaned in close to my pussy. “Can I taste it?”
I knew very little about sex, only really what Jackie and I had done together. The idea that she might lick me was odd at first. “I—I guess…”
I shivered as her tongue slid along my slick slit, soon panting as she repeated the wonderful licks. It felt incredible, so much more satisfying than her fingers, and that was saying something. I giggled it was so pleasant. She smiled up from between my legs, and I could see her tongue dragging along my hairy labia.
“Mmmm…” Jackie purred, “you taste amazing.”
“Mmmm…” I purred in return, my hips rising against her face. Her tongue slid between my lips and I felt her probing my vagina where it drooled my slick juices. I came quickly when she returned to my clit and teased it so wonderfully with her tongue and lips.
For a few minutes, I struggled to breath, alternating panting and giggling. Jackie was delighted by my reaction and kissed me. I tasted myself on her lips, and I found I had wonderful musky, pungent flavor. It was the first time I’d ever tasted my own pussy, and my essence was smeared in and around my s****r’s mouth.
“Will you do me?” she said, laying on her back and spreading her legs, her panties already off her legs.
“Of course,” I said, “tell me what to do…”
“Oh, I think you’ll get it. I never licked a girl before just then, just saw a video or two, not too hard,” she laughed.
I leaned down to Jackie’s crotch and stared a moment at the beautiful hairy clam between her thighs. Her knees waved back and forth from her excitement. I could smell her body distinctly, the aroma of her genitals so wonderful and rich. I got closer and ran my tongue along her splayed labia. Jackie shuddered and moaned as I grazed her hard clit.
It took a moment to even consider what I was doing. As my tongue slipped into her vagina, I became aware that I was knowing my s****r in a very intimate way, tasting her most personal flavors, putting my lips and tongue in her most private of places. I trembled a bit at such a naughty understanding, and it made me double my efforts between Jackie’s legs.
I found that she loved it when I ran long circles from her clit to her vagina and back again. Jackie began to tense and strain, moaning, “nnnnnn … uhnnnn … nnnnn…” I tasted her creamy discharge as it drooled thick and sweet from her pussy. I was enraptured, inexperienced but enthusiastic in responding to Jackie’s body. I felt her grow closer and closer, and finally, as my tongue swept small trails across her erect clit, she cried out, locked her thighs around my head, and bucked hard as she orgasmed.
Jackie fell back breathing heavily, a satisfied smile on her face. “Penelope … damn … oh … my … god…”
I couldn’t stop from smiling myself, sliding up to kiss my s****r. She giggled as she tasted her pussy on my lips.
We snuggled a while without talking, the love I felt in Jackie’s arms rich and warm. She laughed a moment, took my hand and slid it between her legs. My fingers slid through her swollen vulva, and she whispered into my ear, “I’m still hard … do me again?”
I grinned and settled between her legs once more.
Lick me again, Penelope…
I said nothing a moment, still soaking in the pleasure of tasting my s****r’s pussy when I was f******n and she was sixteen. It was so long ago, but the memory was vivid and touched all my senses. It was like I’d just licked my s****r’s wonderful flesh.
“Lick you again… ?”
I’ll show you. Do it like that night…
I was compelled to rise on the bed and move to my hands and knees, a pillow pulled down in front of me.
Lean in … you’ll know it’s me…
I had given up trying to fight the hallucinations. They’d been too wonderful, too fulfilling to want to stop, even if that meant acknowledging my insanity. I leaned down towards the pillow, and the scent of Jackie’s excited genitals hit my nose. I shivered, the intensity of the rich, familiar aroma beyond anything I could have thought my mind could create. It was delicate and robust at once, and I knew it was Jackie’s unique smell immediately.
Lick me, Penelope…
The illusion was strong, and I was caught up in it. I ran my tongue over what should have been an old pillowcase, instead feeling the slick, tart lips of my s****r’s pussy as it had been so long ago. I moaned without a thought, immersed in lapping Jackie’s genitals, something I’d not done in over twenty years and which I still missed tremendously.
It was like she was there. I couldn’t see her, my mind unable to create that part of the illusion for some reason, but my other senses were aware of Jackie’s presence. I could hear her moaning, feel her thighs clenching and relaxing, and my nose and tongue had no doubts about the existence of the woman I was quickly bringing to orgasm.
I felt my s****r’s pussy spasming and her juices flowed down my throat. It was one hell of an hallucination. I could even smell the slight difference in Jackie’s aroma and taste the extra sweetness in her juices just after she climaxed. Her scent took on a dry, florally note, almost like jasmine. Her juices thinner, a touch of honey mixed in. It was something I was once addicted to, that smell, that flavor. It was part of the whole experience of making my s****r cum. I got to inhale her wonderful essence, I swallowed whatever drooled from her vagina, and I was able to revel in her pleasure with all of my senses.
Warmth wrapped around me, and I closed my eyes. My s****r was holding me on top of her body. I could feel her sweat, the way she lightly trembled, her knees jumping gently and irregularly. I heard the sweet sound of her pants and sighs.
I love you, Penelope. That has never changed.
“I love you, Jackie. I never wanted to lose you…”
You didn’t lose me. I’m here.
“Why now … why am I hallucinating you now?”
Why do you doubt that I’m here? Didn’t what we just did convince you?
“I—I don’t know. It felt … so real … but…” I shook my head, “this can’t be real. This can’t be real.”
Don’t doubt yourself, Penelope, especially not your mind. I’ll prove it to you soon enough.
“If you’re real, why can’t I see you?”
Can’t you? Are you sure, Penelope?
“I can’t see you. You tasted real, felt real. But … I don’t see you even as I feel your arms around me…”
Patience, s*s. This takes effort from both of us. Give it time…
Jackie’s voice took on that faded quality again, and I felt the warmth around my body begin to dissipate.
“Wait!” I cried just below a yell. “Please!”
I’m with you always, Penelope. I’ll always love you…
My s****r’s voice trailed off and I knew my mind had returned to some form of sanity. My skin was soon chilled from where my sweat dried. I was laying on my pillow, my pussy drooling over one end. I let out a frustrated and sad sigh to see for sure that I’d been hallucinating. It had felt so powerful, so three-dimensional. I’d never had any experiences like that, and it made me worry that I might soon not be able to tell illusion from reality.
Despite my inner turmoil and my questions of my own sanity, I tried to put on a calm mask at work and around my k**s. Other than the moments days before in front of Kira, I think I largely managed to appear normal, whatever that meant.
I started to look forward to the whispers in the night, eager to spend time with in my delusion of Jackie’s presence. When she didn’t come to me for several days, I felt the loss deeply.
On Friday night, Dex was once more over at Donnie’s house, and Kira had gone to bed early as I dozed on the couch in my robe.
You’re not insane, Penelope.
“I don’t care anymore,” I said, opening my eyes from a fading dream. “I just miss you, Jackie.”
I know. But you’re not insane.
“Which is exactly what I’d tell myself if I was insane.”
There was silence a moment, then Jackie’s voice said, I’ll tell you a secret that you don’t know.
Dexter has been playing around with Donnie.
“Playing…” I didn’t need to hear her response to understand quickly.
They are playing games together, and Dexter is not thinking of Donnie when he cums.
“What in the … no, this is crazy.”
He’s thinking of Kira … and you … He just plays with Donnie because he’s curious … It isn’t Donnie’s fingers or lips on his cock he really wants…
I think you should know, Penelope. He will only grow more interested as time goes on. You already know that Kira is curious, and that she would like to do more than play games with her panties…
“I don’t want to think about this. No! I don’t want to know…”
You can’t hide from the truth forever. You know they will be together soon.
“Never! Not if I stop them!”
Why stop them, Penelope? Do you wish our parents had stopped us?
“I—I … No! No, I loved what we did.”
And Kira and Dexter deserve to know that with each other.
“But they’re just k**s!”
We were just k**s.
“That was … different!”
Only because it was us, Penelope. They’re old enough to be curious, and you’ve given them enough support and information to know how to be safe. It’s time you understood that you can also make sure their first time together is better than your first time with a boy. Wouldn’t you have liked to know how to enjoy that? Penelope?
I sat speechless. My delusional mind was arguing with itself over allowing my c***dren to commit i****t. No, not just allowing, encouraging, teaching them how.
It turns you on, Penelope. Touch yourself, you’re wet…
My hand drew down and parted my robe. It was as if the thinking part of my brain had no connection to my motor skills. I slid a finger through my slit and pulled back slowly, a slippery strand of wetness hanging from my pussy. I stared at it a moment, and I was aware of how my clit was painfully erect just below my hand.
“I … No,” I tried to convince myself, “no, I’m … no…”
Please don’t fight it, Penelope. I am wet, too…
My other hand moved to my side and I felt it pass over Jackie’s warm thigh, my finger slipping between her slippery folds. My s****r’s vagina drooled against my palm.
Let yourself believe it, Penelope … Let yourself enjoy it…
I started to twirl my fingers around my clit, openly masturbating in my living room. I was incredibly aroused, and I let fantasies of my son and my daughter making love play out. I wondered if he’d be gentle or know how to move inside her. I wondered if Kira still had her hymen, whether it might hurt for it to break. I tried to hear them together, and I swelled beneath my fingers as I imagined my son ejaculating into my daughter’s vagina.
I came in peaks and valleys, pleasure rising and receding as my cunt clenched, the sensation of my son inside me suddenly, my pussy feeling him plunge into my body. I climaxed as I felt his seed fire into me, filling my still-fertile vagina with his semen.
I rode my fingers long moments, suddenly aware of a presence. “Jackie?”
There was no response. I turned at the sound of footsteps moving away, seeing no one but hearing a quick patter up the stairs indicating that Kira was just there. My daughter had seen me masturbating.
I froze. I’d always been open about masturbation being normal and acceptable with my k**s, but I’d cautioned them that it was something you did in privacy, never where others might see you. It struck me as ironic that I was the one who had broken that protocol. I tried to formulate how to apologize to my daughter. I knew my Jackie hallucination had ended immediately, and I mourned for that lost contact even as I rose from the couch and went to call on my daughter.
I paused at her door, trying to work up the nerve to talk to her. It was a low moan which kept me from knocking. I knew what I was hearing, but it took a moment to let that understanding sink in.
She sounds lovely, Penelope. Just like you when you were her age.
“Jackie?” I whispered.
I like to listen, too. Kira reminds me so much of you. Even when shy, you were curious, and you wanted to experiment and try things. Your daughter is the same. She liked watching you. She came down moments after you started touching yourself. She stayed until you came.
I said nothing, caught up in the multiple confusing things I was hearing. Kira’s moans grew louder a moment, louder still, and I heard her let out a long, low groan.
Kira came thinking of you.
“How do you know?”
Because I’m with her, too.
“With her?” I whispered.
You’ll see soon enough.